If you’re reading this, you probably feel behind or like you need to get ahead in life. And either way, you’re right. Whatever you believe is what you become. So if you believe you’re behind then you are behind, and if you need to get ahead then you will chase the future. But I’d like to invite you to pause and ask yourself, why am I chasing the end of my life?
Sounds heavy, right? But it’s true.
You don’t know how much time you have, and every day you are alive, you are one day closer to the end of your life. So why spend your time focused on impossible, invisible normality standards? I don’t know what that answer is for you, but for me, it was all about image and success.
Before 21, I spent most of life focused on how to fulfill and anticipate the needs and desires of others. I believed that if I could exceed the extraordinary, eventually, I would reflect the image of success. So, I worked my behind off, spending 12+ hours doing, moving, sharing, always on the go and always achieving. Yet, no GPA, job, or accomplishment could live up to the fabricated reality I was chasing.
Perfection left me bored. Very, very bored.
So, I retired (mostly because saying I “gave up” hurt my ego too much at the time). But don’t worry, I made sure to throw myself a retirement party. Yes it was by myself and consisted solely of worship music and journaling, but world-changing celebration doesn’t always need streamers or confetti. Quite the opposite, this quiet moment, left the performance behind and pushed me to envision my next steps without the noise.
In the foreign silence, loneliness, and shock that I was really doing this, I realized the following:
My greatest enemy is perfection. My devotion to perfection has fueled my idolatry of success for longer than I can even think back on to admit. My dependence on motivation has excused my ability to practice discipline, and my craving for validation has allowed fear of failure to murder my dreams.
I am not my greatest enemy. My inability to find myself because of the possibility that it won’t be accepted by others, that is my greatest enemy. Fear. Fear murders the opportunity for belief to transform the imagination into reality.
Deep, right?
It’s funny how truth reveals itself in the quiet just like God shows up in a still small voice. But, this information completely contradicted every principle I operated my life on. So, what was I supposed to do now?
And this is where I missed the point, but you don’t have to. I fell right back into my old patterns, trying to use old methods on new information. Trying to put new wine into old wine skins.
I created brand new routines and habits like waking up at 5 something a.m., creating a detailed list of tasks to complete and being angry with myself when I didn’t get it right. I met vulnerability with condemnation instead of grace.
You can certainly go cold turkey and create a detailed schedule with every habit you wish you had and every challenge you hope to accomplish, but creating an aesthetic life doesn’t equate to a fulfilling one.
An aesthetic is a performance. It is only effective when it looks good to others. Transformation is radical, internal change. It is so potent within you that it involuntarily presents itself to others (regardless of if you want them to see it).
So how do I retire from perfection?
Step 1: Face the facts
For me, letting go of perfection was difficult because there was so much good that came from the way I was living. I feared not being able to accomplish amazing things if I didn’t push myself beyond my breaking point. I feared what people would think of me if I wasn’t extraordinary. I feared failure equating to worthlessness.
But, I didn’t come to these realizations without taking time to pause and take space to face myself. I needed the quiet to hear the internal noise that I had pushed away.
Take some time, in quiet or with a supportive accompaniment (worship music, coffee shop music, etc). You, God, and a processing tool. This could be a voice memo, a journal and pen, a collaging session, whatever gets you thinking about the truth.
Find the motivation of your perfection. Mine was fear, specifically fear of not meeting others’ expectations. Talk to yourself and God about why your motivator drives you, what makes you keep it around, what it does that you appreciate, and how it serves you. Here’s a framework to follow:
- I pursue perfection to ______________.
- ____________ allow(s) me to ___________. What does/has [my motivator] allow(ed) me to do?
- I have achieved _________ in pursuit of perfection. Or What have I achieved in pursuit of perfection?
- How does [my motivator] serve me?
Step 2: Face your feelings
- How do I feel after I’ve accomplished something perfectly? Note: This is not when others are celebrating you or you receive the good news. (We’re looking for what happens after the dopamine and serotonin rush is gone).
- What am I afraid will happen if I am not perfect?
- What is failure to me and why do I avoid it?
Step 3: Creating a new motivator
- Why is perfection no longer serving me?
- Why do I desire to retire from perfection?
- What does life look like when I have permission to fail?
- What have I stopped myself from trying because I fear failure?
Step 4: Build a support system
- Who can I connect with to hold me accountable? Don’t forget your girlfriends. Find an accountability partner, Bible study group, or other peer that you trust and feel comfortable opening up to and going on this journey with.
- Who can I talk to when I need to work through the big scary stuff? This could be a mental health professional, a pastor, a mental coach, a mentor. Anyone who is equipped to support you through things that are difficult to unpack.
- How can I offer myself grace as I learn to be okay with failing? Make a list of statements, affirmations, activities, or other tools to be kind to yourself when you otherwise would have condemned yourself.
- Create a collection of scriptures to remind you of God’s love and grace for you.
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